When I was a kid time went by slowly. It seemed a week was a year, a month was a decade. Now as an adult, it flies by faster than you can blink. A week is a day and a month is like two! I can't believe May is almost over. It feels like it was just Groundhogs Day and the nasty little critter saw his shadow and predicted a longer winter once again.

Yet here it is, almost June. The school year is just about over and before you close your eyes, summer will begin. Summer, being my favorite season, will be over in a matter of hours. I should move south where the summer lasts longer. Maybe that's why seniors migrate that way. If the summers were longer, maybe time wouldn't seem to pass by so quickly?
Up here in the northeast, we base our days on the four seasons. Summer and Spring fly by like a hummingbird zooming by, so quickly you aren't sure if it was a bird or butterfly. Fall is usually whooshed away right into Winter. If you're lucky, you get to see the leaves change colors because before you know it Winter comes. And with the Winter come the holidays. Those sneak up on you and are usually over so quickly that you're not aware they even happened until you've stepped on a scale wondering how you gained so much weight!

And now we've come full circle, a new year and a new Spring.

Yet, I'm still pondering the moving south bit...does time seem to pass by slower when there are fewer seasons? Can the secret to slowing down time be as easy as hopping on a plane or a car or a bus and head where you have one or two seasons as opposed to four? I'm willing to test this theory if anyone is willing to sponsor me??

Window of memories

I'm fortunate to have a beautiful view from my desk at work. I happened to glance out of the window today and I saw yellow and red flags decorating the battleship, USS Massachusetts. Yes, my view is of the Battleship Cove area in Fall River with the (now blue) Braga Bridge in the background. The view is very captivating. I enjoy watching storms coming up the river from Rhode Island and the sun setting down river in the Fall and Winter. I get lost in the whites that show up on the water when it's windy. But this scene is more than just a picturesque view of church steeples, rooftops, and a Bridge over water. It's a daily reminder of memories from my past. Between 1984 and 1989 when we were stationed at Ft. Devens, we would come down to Newport during vacations. My parent's had a time-share in Newport and we were frequent visitors at the Newport Naval Base. I believe on one of our trips we sailed from Newport to Fall River (because everything was by boat on these trips but that is a story for another day!) and visited the Battleship Cove. If you are ever in the area, I highly recommend it! We did the vacationer things by touring the USS Massachusetts and most likely going on the carousel. It amazes me that 25 years later I'd be married to a local man and actually be working in the area that I once visited years ago. Let alone, be able to see it daily from my desk at work. It's crazy how things in life sometimes set you up for something later in life. Almost as if my trip to the battleship at 9 years old was a glimpse into my future. It makes my battle between believing and not believing in fate and destiny hard. Was it a mere coincidence or did it happen so I would have a common factor with the man I would eventually end up marrying or to give me a a story to share?

Title-less

It's 1:45pm, and I'm still in my pj's. And no, I'm NOT embarrassed to admit it! Actually, I am. I should be out getting stuff done, but instead I'm sitting in the chaise, playing Farmville, and twittering.

Why am I so unmotivated???

The list of excuses:

I'm sore from yesterday's workout (and probably Thursday's too!)

I worked all week.

It's a holiday weekend. (Well, if you live in Massachusetts it is!!)

It's gloomy out.

It's cold out.

There's nothing to do.

I've got no where to be.


On the other hand, I have Farmville cash to spend. Friends in Chat. and videos on youtube to watch....

What would you do?

Lost in a world of fairytales

I'm not sure that what this society is doing to us is the best thing for us. From the early stages of life we are told stories that have happy endings. That FATE plays a powerful roll in how things turn out. We watched as Cinderella went from being a poor lonely maid, to queen. Or how Prince Charming came to Sleeping Beauty's rescue in the tower. Who can't say that they wish this would happen to them? Who hasn't wished they had a fairy godmother to make things right? Everyone wants the Happily Ever After that is promised in these stories.

Where is the fairytale about the normal girl, who falls in love with a normal boy and they live, not so happily ever after? Neither one is prince or queen - and the evil in the story is the ugly green monster, MR. MONEY??? I want to hear the tale of the young couple who on a daily basis have to deal with the trials of REAL life; jealousy, money, commitment. I want to see what they do to create a happy, well content, household. I want to see them actually have to make decisions, instead of letting FATE decide. The story of a couple who started a family too early in life, but through hard work made their OWN happy ending, yet knowing that tomorrow the UGLY GREEN MONSTER may come back to harm them. I don't want to hear that everything can be solved with TRUE LOVES KISS, or that there's a PRINCE for every PRINCESS and LOVE CONQUERS ALL. I want a story that shows you have to WORK for your happiness and that it's not just given to you by your fairy godmother.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm happy with my life. I have lived the real life version of this fairytale. Pregnant at 18 with a guy I only knew for 6 months. I guy who told me in February of 95, just after we found out we were pregnant, to not worry about anything, he would take care of me. Which he has. And here we are, 15 years later and we are happily married (usually) with our own bright beautiful princess. It's not to say our fairytale has been easy - let's face it, we didn't have a fairy godmother to wave her magic wand, say a few rhyming words and make everything turn out just right. On the contrary - we had to work extra hard on making our story. Working night shifts, double jobs....crappy jobs. Anything and everything to fight that UGLY GREEN MONSTER. Every day is a new battle. Sometimes we lose, sometimes we win. Of course, we are still FAR from a HAPPILY EVER AFTER. We call that RETIREMENT.

Fate? Destiny? Religion?

Do you believe in fate? Destiny? God? How can you believe in evolution and still think there is a higher power that is in control of how your life turns out? Unless, Adam and Eve were microscopic organisms....but..

I don't know if I like the idea that my decisions have been pre-destined already. Yet, so many forks have crossed my path that would have made my life much different. If my family had stayed in Wells, ME, where would I be today? I recently found out that the boy I first fell in love with, killed himself and his girlfriend. (This happened a few years back) But it made me think, what if I hadn't moved out of Wells? Would that have been me found stabbed to death in my apartment in PA? Then, we move further on in life. I was enlisted in the Army as a Senior in High School. But, days before I was supposed to ship off to basic training, I backed out. Had I remained enlisted, I could be in the Middle East fighting a war that I'm against. I could be dead.

Instead, I followed the path of my heart, and got pregnant at 18 by a guy I had only known for a few short months. Who would have thought, 15 years later I would still be with that guy, happily married with a bright BEAUTIFUL daughter? The odds were against me on this road. Yet, I beat them.

I'm on the fence about this whole fate issue. It's hard to think that one is NOT in control of their own destiny. That you don't have a say in how your life ends up. Yet, I sit here wondering, what if....Were the higher powers at work when they helped my parents make the decision to move to Saco? (Destiny of death by boyfriend no longer in play) Who was it that made me choose a civilian life over Military life that put me on this particular path of pure happiness? (And not stuck in 100+ degree weather fighting for a cause that I don't agree with. Possible death?) I don't want to think there is a force out there, greater than all of one person's thoughts and feelings, yet I sit here shaking my head and shrugging my shoulders at how my destiny has played out. It's as if everything and everyone in my life has helped me get to where I am today.

Recently I was put back in touch with a friend via Facebook, whom I haven't heard from in a few years. She not only requested me as her friend, but my twin brother's fiancee. I was like, "Weird!" As it turns out, she is separately friends with my Sister-in-law from Bath, ME AND my twin brother's fiancee from a college Spanish class. We are talking a distance of about 300 miles between all of us. The odds?

Why were these people put in my path? Were they suppose to be subtle distractions to make me go one way over another? Had I not met a certain person at a particular point in my life, would I be where I am today?? Would I be happily married? Would it be Dave that I'm married to? Would Alyssa be in my life?

So, I don't know if it was fate or destiny or some powerful being that has brought me to this particular moment in life. I don't know if the people I have befriended were given to me to guide me to where I am today.

Whatever it is or if IT is anything at all, I'm thankful. Thankful for the wonderful people I have met through the years, the wonderful places I have been, the experiences that will stay in my memory forever.

I'm Grateful for the happiness I feel.

Be it from the hand of a god (or goddess), or fate: an inevitable course of events that led me to this particular point in my life, I guess what it boils down to is, I'm happy.

Are we there yet????

Are we there yet? Everyone remembers uttering these words as children.
Lately though, it’s been a phrase I’ve had stuck in my thoughts. This
winter seems like the “five hour car drive” as a kid that would never
end! I keep looking out my windows, checking to see if it’s here, a
subtle sign of recognition. I’m that impatient child all over again,
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

I know it's officially Spring, but it doesn't quite feel like it yet.

The trees are still bare; the grass is still a dull green/brown color and it’s still
getting dark before 7. Yet… look! There! Robins!! The crocuses are coming out and I see signs of growth on the trees. Isn’t that a sign? A sign that spring is here? Or at least almost here.

I hope so.

I’ve been feeling trapped since, oh, November! I can’t believe I made it through the many months of short days and frigid temperatures. Thankfully, we didn’t get much
snow this winter, but still, the melancholy of the season hit me hard! I’m tired of having to get bundled up just to run outside to get the mail. I’m done with having to pre-heat my car before I leave the house!

I want to open my windows, here the chirping of the birds in the back yard as they feed on the bird-feeders. I want to smell the scent of freshly cut grass! I want to have to put on my air conditioner because it’s too hot! I want! I want! I want!

Mother nature has been teasing us! It says it's Spring, We've had glimpses of Spring-like days....but as soon as it's above 50 degrees, WHAM! It's down to 30 again!

Sigh, yes, I’m feeling blue. I’m getting car sick! If we don’t end this long
cold journey soon, I may have to have you pull over and let me out!

A virgin's tale

I'm very proud of the fact that I have lived my entire life (the whole 31 + years) without a single cavity. Well, after a recent visit to my dentist, my "cavity-free" streak has come to an end. Yes, my back molar has a small cavity. Yikes!


I hate going to the dentist. I always have, and I think I always will. I'm not sure why though, as I've never had a bad experience. When I was 17 and had my wisdom teeth pulled, there were no complications – I didn't even swell up like you hear from most people. Thoughts of drills and needles and teeth being pulled – it's what I think about when I hear "dentist."


Before I left work to go to the dreaded appointment, I'm getting advice from my 13 year old niece. She tells me she's a wimp when it comes to needles (NEEDLES!?) and if she can do it, I'll be fine…..


So, my filling appointment was scheduled for yesterday. I got there early – almost ½ hour early! (Secretly I was hoping they would tell me they over-booked and had to re-schedule my appointment!) I'm in the waiting area, reading an old National Geographic magazine. There were 3 little kids waiting for their mom, who was getting a filling. She comes out and the kids ask her how she feels – she says lopsided…. Uh, what???? What does that mean??

It's my turn now. I'm told to go in station 3. I decide that I don't want to go through with this, and go out the front door. (Well, that's what I WANTED to do at least) The hygienist follows me in to Station 3 with my file. "Oh, you're getting your first filling today? Congratulations!" (Woo Hoo! My first filling!!!! Was that supposed to make me feel better???)


The dentist comes in - asks about my husband and daughter. I always liked that about him. I sit back in the chair and the hygienist sticks a swab in my mouth and leaves. (Uh, is this the ONLY anesthesia I'm getting???) After a couple of minutes they come back in together. So, he and the hygienist are chatting back and forth....blah blah blah...apparently the hygienist is getting married and she's frightened....occasionally they ask for my opinion. "Ok, open up." he says to me in the middle of an explanation to the hygienist about how she should tell her soon to be husband to take up golf if she's worried about losing her "me time". (I know what they are trying to do, they are trying to distract me from the 6" needle the doctor is about to stick in my mouth!) It didn't work.


I try not to look at the thing as he pokes and prods my lower jaw. I'm keeping complete eye contact with the hygienist, kind of begging her with my eyes to not let the doctor forget he's got this 8" needle in my mouth. After what seemed like 10 minutes of needle sticking, the doctor gets his drill. My eyes shoot open, and dart back and forth between the two. I'm not sure at this point if I want them to stop talking (I'm afraid she'll distract the dentist and cause him to drill the wrong tooth) or to keep them engaged so I don't think about the drill. I grip the sides of the chair, and turn my eyes to the poor hygienist. She wants to get married, but.....


Out come the drill and now a new instrument. "You're almost done, now we will just fill it. Do you want the enamel color of the silver?" I replied, Enamel, definitely. She then goes on to tell me that if I get the enamel, I may need to come in more often to get it replaced. Silver I say, with half of my mouth.


She laughed. I was done. "You can rinse she says" and hands me the cup. Uh, where are my lips? Do I have water in my mouth? I thought I just spat, is there spit on my face? Oh god, I feel like an idiot! Do I look weird? I feel like it's all swollen. I feel like Popeye! HELP! I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!


I say thanks and leave the office very quickly. I hope I wasn't supposed to talk to reception or anything.....


I'm tired now, after my panic attack. I just want to go home and go to bed. Wait; is it safe to go to sleep if half your head is missing???? How long until this crap wears off? I hate this feeling. (I at this point felt terrible for telling Alyssa to "toughen up" every time she had a tooth pulled. I remind myself to give her a big hug when I see her) I get home, finally. Everyone is telling me this and that about their experience. But, this is me! I just want to be normal again!!


Well, after 5 hours of not being able to feel the left side of my jaw, I finally went to bed.


I don't think I'll be going back to the dentist for a long time.

Looking for cheat codes

Jessica needs a vacation. Life, work...gets a little overwhelming. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE MY LIFE! But I need a vacation from being a wife, mom, driver, maid, cook, pet care-taker....you know? I want, for just one day, to wake up and NOT have to worry about getting breakfast ready - making lunches, feeding cats/birds, thinking about what to make for supper, worrying about what the plans are for the next day and making sure we are prepared for what ever they are, do we have toilet paper? Paper towels? Soap??? Washing dishes, cleaning toilets, scrubbing floors.....sigh....working...working....working...... I want to be able to just get up - enjoy the quietness of the environment, read a book, lay in the sun, go for a walk (and not have to worry about missing something/someone)

I'm usually up at 7 or 8 on the weekends - but lately I've been in bed until 9/10. Have you ever heard of the Sims? I feel like one of those characters - I'm watching my "mood" level dip into the red. It's like I'm on auto-pilot. Wake up - fix breakfast, feed cats, make lunch, go to work, come home, clean. Drive Alyssa where she needs to go, go shopping (not the fun kind either!) pick Alyssa up - make dinner, do dishes...by 9 I'm pooped! (Energy level is in the red) Wake up and start the same cycle over again. (Who ever is playing me in the game needs to research how to keep their avatar happy!!) To bad it's not as easy in real life to get out of the "slums". In the Sims - all you have to do is call out of work, and throw a party! By the next day, you're "mood" is in the green, energy - green.... Or, you can Google "Sim cheats" and find a way....our there any cheat codes for real life????

I'm sitting here in my office and I hear the mailman outside, whistling a Christmas tune. Poor man! Doesn't he realize that this is the beginning of...dum dum dummmmmmmm.....Christmas? The last few years, I've been dreading Christmas. I felt that the meaning of the season was drowned in sales, profits and long lines in stores. The commercialization of the holiday season killed any enjoyment I held for it. I mean, Christmas decorations and Holiday gift baskets were on the store shelves before Halloween!! I still think it's overly commercialized, and I still believe the meaning has been lost to most (check the lost and found maybe??) But I realized this holiday season I'm anticipating Christmas. It hit me, as I heard my mailman whistling to his version of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" that I I want to decorate my house this year, I want to help hang those ornaments on the real Christmas Tree, for not just my daughter this year, but for myself. I'm listening to music at work - and not getting a headache from it. I've come to realize that the Holidays are what you make of it - regardless of how society has turned it into a shopping extravaganza! And stores are only anticipating the end of the season sales percentages. I will not let the industries influence how I celebrate the holidays with my friends and family. I don't care if sales were up this year compared to last. I don't care that I may have to stand in line to get a gift my daughter saw on an advertisement on TV. Being with my family and friends. This is what I want.

So, here's to Christmas music, candy canes, twinkling lights, Eggnog and Santa Clause!

NEE NER NEE NER NEEEEEE NER!!!!

Duck, cover, hide! No, run to New England!! Wild fires, flooding, tornadoes, earthquakes…hurricanes, every day I read the news and there is some weather catastrophe taking place. There are fires in the west, floods in the south, tornadoes in the interiors, droughts in the south east and southwest. It sure makes me feel real happy to be snug in New England. Sure, we have our problems too. The occasional high tides that overflow the coastal streets, the Nor’ Easter snow storms and ice storms that plague us in the winter, but, comparatively speaking – we’ve got it good! I was watching the news this morning and they were discussing the fires in California, the newscaster mentioned “wild fire season”. They were talking to a couple who said they moved from a previous house because it was in the direct line of known fire areas to this one, , whose house was destroyed by the fire. Could you imagine living in “wild fire alley” or “tornado alley”? Yikes!

I may complain about the winters and the snow and the ice – but I’ll live here forever as long as we don’t have to grow up with tornado alarm preparations or earthquake aftershocks. We still get the Emergency Broadcast messages but typically we hear, “This is a test, this is only a test!” So, as the Maine saying goes, “The way life should be!” This should be a New England motto, not just a state motto.

Surrounded by, Dad!!

I came to a funny realization today; that all the important men in my life are comparable to my father. They all have characteristics of dad. Now, my dad is the greatest man of all time. (I’m not just saying that to make him happy either!) He is one-of-a-kind though, and to think that now the significant men in my life all share the same qualities of my unique father figure. They are all loving, devoted, intelligent, stubborn, pig-headed men who always seem to be right. (And they usually are!) There is no arguing with them to change their minds. Once they believe in something, they accept it as the truth and will not budge on their judgment. I’m not saying this to be critical of them, these are very strong characteristics, and make for a powerful personality that no one can ignore. At first sight, these men seem abrasive and self-righteous, but just like my dad, their hearts are pure. They will be the first one to loan you money if you need it, even if you still owe them. They will give you the shirt off their own back to warm you if you are cold, but remind you they told you to bring one. They are always just a phone call away if you are in trouble. And, just like my dad, all of their actions, thoughts, and words are done with a purpose, and the purpose always revolves around family.

My personality, on the other hand, is the complete opposite of them. I’m a listener and I’m compliant. I don’t like fighting or arguments. I "let things go". I owe this, probably, from growing up with my dad. Someone said to me this morning "Fear builds respect." I rolled my eyes at the person and just nodded my head in agreement. I didn’t believe a word of it, but as I didn’t want to cause a disagreement at 8 in the morning, I just let it go. Yet, now I’m thinking back on what the "wise man" counseled me on and, as usual, I think he’s right. As a parent, I believe fear does build respect. I was afraid to do anything wrong when I was a child as I did not want to "deal with the repercussions" of my father. When he was angry, he was fuming. You, or should I say I, learned at a very young age to try to do the right things and be honest and trustworthy, kinda like a boy scout. I respected his feelings, his thoughts, and always tried to do the right things. If I didn’t, it was the "wrath of god" I had to deal with. Did I necessarily know this as a kid? No. I didn’t. But, if it wasn’t for this disciplinary figure, I would not be the person I am today. So now I show my respect. Therefore, it’s no wonder to me, now at the age I am, why I seem to be surrounded by men, great men, similar to my dad. Men that will give you their heart and soul, and expect only a slight interest on its return.

Last night

Last night, I spent the first night in our new home listening to our first thunderstorm. The skies were bright and the house was trembling from the thunderous roar. The cats were there for support though, or so I thought. They both decided to jump up on the bed with me as I watched, for the first time, "Rent". One was curled up by my feet, the other needing a little more comfort, decided to make a nest between my legs. As the storm approached and the thunder became noisier, they both seemed to have one ear lifted up and one eye partially opened. I was counting in between flashes and thunder; 1, 2, 3….Then there was a white flash through the window and the most deafening, earsplitting crackle I've ever heard from a lighting storm. (I swear lighting struck in my back yard.) Before I even had a chance to think about what just happened, the cat's bolted! One ran under the bed, while the other found safety in the closet. Traitors!! I secretly was wishing that Alyssa would wake up scared, and run to my bed! She some how, miraculously slept through the whole storm. After that, the storm slowly moved off to disturb some other quiet countryside neighborhood. The cat, after a long while, decided to come back to me for comfort. After his treachery, I made him sleep beside me as opposed to his safety nest. It's past 2 in the morning. The movie over, the hour late, I shut the TV off and tried to get some sleep. All I could hear was the ping of rain on my window, and the subtle hum of my cat purring. I can't sleep. It's me and no-one else, besides the cat. (The other was still hiding in the closet). I'm sleeping alone, and I hate it. Yes, I know he'll be back on Monday – but that doesn't change the fact that my king size bed is sleeping just one.

Just an ordinary day?

Today is just another ordinary day, but yet it feels like there’s something special in the air. Maybe it’s because after the record breaking warm temperatures we’ve been having, it at last feels like fall. The trees are in the process of dropping their leaves, leaving us with an array of splendid colors. I woke up this morning, looked out my window and saw in the midst of still green trees, a long strand of bright red leaves from a hanging vine. They say the color red makes one feel irate, or angry – it made me feel restless. It brought this sensation of change. I feel like I have to get things in order, before….. Before what though? That is the answer I am searching for. I wish I could see into the future to try to get my answer. To learn what it is that I feel like I need to prepare for.

The not knowing is killing me. My heart is pounding a little faster; I seem to have a constant feeling of… I can’t describe it. My nerves are working over-time. I can’t seem to stop looking out the windows. And I’m not just glancing, I’m gaping. As if I’m waiting for someone, or something to just appear. I’ve got goose bumps on my arms and legs, yet I’m not cold. What is it? It almost feels like I forgot something… Did I turn off the coffee maker this morning?

Could it just be the changing of the seasons? Could I, for once, actually be looking forward to summer coming to an end? Ha! No. That’s not it. If there are any psychics out there, now would be the time to try to sell me your services.

Thin Blooded and Trapped Until Spring

It's 45 degrees outside this morning and COLD! I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt, and debating on putting on a jacket. I'm a thin-blooded New Englander. Yikes! What a dilemma!! Sadly, summer has come, and is on its way out. Gone are the days of fire flies swarming about, trees green with life, the smell of lawns freshly mowed…No more heading to the beach to cool down, no more humming of air conditioners! The fans are collecting dust and the geese are honking overhead as they fly south. It's time to put the tank tops and shorts in storage and pull out the boxes of sweaters, turtle necks and coats. Ugh! No more dressing skimpily, now it's time to wear layers. It's tough living in an area where it's cold eight months out of the year. Don't get me wrong, I love living in New England. I just have to remind myself every September why. I mean, just because the birds fly south, doesn't mean there isn't something to look forward to by staying right???

Fall is beautiful in New England. People from all over the U.S. take trips up here to see the leaves, in all their fall glory, in shades of reds, oranges and yellows. It is pretty when you see the first frost covering the once beautiful green grass. It is refreshing, at times, to go outside and take a breath of the crisp clean cold air. You can almost smell the coming of…winter. Sigh…winter. Thinking of fall reminds me of winter. Alas, fall only lasts a month or so.
Now, being a thin-blooded inhabitant of these cold New England states can be treacherous in the winter. The average high is in the 40's. Your nose tingles as you breathe that cold air just walking to your car. You put two pairs of socks on, and your feet are still cold! You're never warm enough unless you set your thermostat at 75! Again, I have to use reverse psychology on myself to prepare for the cold months that are on our doorstep…

Winter brings snow. There is nothing like waking up in the morning, looking out the window and seeing that the first true snow has fallen. The glistening of white surrounds you. Oh look! There's a beautiful red cardinal perched on the leafless oak tree branch…Winter up here also means skiing, sledding, and snow tubing. It means warm fireplaces and Christmas. Ahhhh, holiday parties and food. Decorated trees glowing with the abundance of multi-colored lights. Garland and tinsel hanging from banisters. Yes, winter can be pretty….cold!

Winter clothes, layers of clothes. The months when even a skinny person can look plump! Did I mention the cold? The wind chill is factored in with every temperature reading…yes its 45 degrees, but with the wind-chill it feels like 20….can you hand me another pair of socks!
What gets me through the cold seasons up here? Obviously my reverse psychology isn't working…Spring, the thought of spring is what has me waking up with a hint of a smile as I quickly get out from underneath my comforter in the morning and throw on my artic quality robe. Yes, the countdown for spring is beginning…

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Change........

“Everything changes, nothing remains without change.” Buddha

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” ~Anatole France

“Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights.” ~Pauline R. Kezer

Change is in the air. I love it. In less than a month, we will be moving to a new home. We are moving! We have been in this current apartment for 3 years, and it’s time to progress. As the current space is limited, so is my ability to re-arrange the furniture to give me peace of mind. I’m use to moving around a lot. It’s been in my blood since, well, birth. I’m ready for something new. Being an Army brat has seen to my easiness in accepting change. Accepting? No, I’ve used the incorrect word. You don’t accept change; you nurture it. You learn and you shine from it. Yes, I’m ready. So is the family. Even though the new home is only minutes away from the current, it feels as if life is beginning again.

There’s nothing like getting a home of your own. No, we aren’t buying a house; we are renting ½ of a duplex. Gone are the days of hearing the neighbors’ sneeze, belch, or flush the toilet. I will no longer be able to tell when someone is taking a shower – I won’t have to worry about running out of hot water! We have so many ideas for our new home; with more space a lot can happen! Couches, bookshelves, lawn furniture, grills, paint…where do you begin?
But, I go astray…. I was talking of change.

The first change I want to accomplish is to establish my green thumb. I want to grow an herb garden. I’ve never lived in a home where I was able to plant a garden. I love the idea of about being able to add my own herbs to my meals. I don’t know where to begin! Help is needed and appreciated. My mind has wandered off-track, again.

Change brings great possibilities. Again, I’m not moving to a new town or a different country. Just up the road. I’m not changing who I have become. I’m furthering my knowledge of life. This move is the channel for emotional as well as physical change; it’s jump-starting my emotional growth. I am embracing the possibilities of what the new environment can bring into my life, into my family’s lives.

Yes. This change is… (insert perfect positive word here)

As Confucius said, “They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.”

Growing up Millitary

It's my birthday today. What better day to reminisce about my life. 31 years old. I've done a lot and seen a lot in my 31 years of life. Growing up as a military brat saw to that. Life was fast. I made friends as fast as I could and just as quickly, we were on the move again. Like clockwork. Every 3-4 years, a new town/state/country, new friends, new life. What didn't work in one town was improved for the next.

My very first day of school started in Augsburg Germany. It was on my 5th birthday, exactly. Funny, here it is, 26 years later and I still remember. I learned at that moment that shyness doesn't cut it. At 5. That's being an Millitary brat. You learn to adjust quickly to new environments. Make friends quickly. At 8 we moved again; this time to Ft. Devens. This is where I "grew up". Middle School years. Making friends wasn't as hard this time around. I had my first crush here…my first best friend…. I remember like it was yesterday, riding my bike from my house, down the hill to my friend's house. I went to visit this town not to long ago; the hill seemed much larger when I was 10. After 4 years at Ft. Devens we were moving again. Started "Jr. High" in North Carolina at a civilian school while my parents got things settled, once again, in Germany. This was a tough time; these kids weren't familiar with the military way of life. See, the thing about being a "brat" even though you aren't enlisted, you are still military. It's a way of life. You go through the barbed-wire gates, guarded by MPs, just like they do. You shop at the PX and commissary just as they do. You stop when you hear the canons go off to mark the putting down of the flag. I found it hard to fit in. Maybe because I knew it was only for a few months, I don't know. It was a culture shock for me. No structure. No base. After a few months…we were off again, thankfully. Off to Ansbach, Germany. My favorite years of growing up. The school was small. The kids were welcoming. They too were military. I made friends quickly. The kids were all accustomed to Army life. I loved living in Germany. More so now when I look back and reflect on all that I was able to see and do. Back then I can't say that. I appreciated the fact that I was living in a different country, but hated that there were no malls near by. . I remember when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out…watching it in the movie theatre… I swear the Red Carpet was out! Visiting castles, admiring churches... Going to a new country was like going to a different state; just a car-ride away. While most kids here in New England would go to say DC as a school trip – we went to Italy, pretending to hold up the Leaning Tower of Pisa and bartering with the peddlers for a cheaper price on souvenirs and Switzerland, skiing on the Alps. I grew up thinking it was normal for me to say that over summer vacation, we took a boat ride to Holland. Didn't everyone? German marks were in my pockets more than quarters or dollar bills. German was taught in classes as opposed to the traditional foreign language of the area. When we moved again, this time to Maine, I couldn't believe they didn't teach German in the schools. This was unfortunate because I have since lost my ability to communicate with the locals. Not that it matters since I'm among English speaking citizens again. High School I would have to say was the toughest. My parents retired, so we were officially "civilians" going to regular schools. Here, the kids grew up together. They knew each other from pre-school. They all were born in the area and had never lived any where else. Their social statuses were already established amongst each other. Where mine was, still to this day I have no idea. I was the new kid. Recently come in from another country. I'm sure I talked funny, walked funny and dressed funny. After a while, I adjusted to normalcy. Had boyfriends, lived a typical teen-age life. Well, as typical as it could be. The structure was gone. PE was sports, not exercise. (Do you remember the gym classes at DoDDS schools?????)
So, here I am. 26 years later. I feel I have found home. I swore growing up that when I had children, I wouldn't move around like I had to. See, back then I hated it. It was hard leaving friends behind. I'd try to keep in touch but it never lasted long. Now, I'm 31. I've found a few of my best friends from the different eras of my life and made new ones. I'm settled…or am I? I still feel the urge to move. After a few years in one place I get the feeling that it's time for change. So I re-arrange the furniture…..

Summertime

Summer is the greatest season ever! I love it. Parties outside, chillin by the pool....going to the beach and trying to not get burnt....going out at night to hang out on outside decks of bars and clubs, drinking the fruity drinks with umbrellas...not having to bundle up with clothes, wearing shorts and capris with tank tops.....sandals, flip-flops....The sun being out until 9pm. Fireflies...the smell of grass being cut... camping...vacations....the smell of cococnut....thunderstorms...flash rainstorms....
I don't want it to ever end.............

Sometimes you have to let go...parent's perspective..

What a long week it was. You know, I wanted to relive my life through my daughter. But as soon as daddy and I dropped her off, I questioned my actions. As I left her, standing in the cabin she would be living in for the next week, with her counselor and a few of her cabin mates, I went to give her a hug and a kiss goodbye. She took the hug, but turned her head for the kiss. I laughed, saying "OK, I did the same when I was younger" then turned around to leave. I did a quick side glance, to see what her reaction was as I left the cabin, and I saw it. They typical shy stance that I've learned from her: shoulders slumped forward, arms folded across her chest, slowly walking forward towards the other girls

Did I make the right decision? Is she ready for being away from us for a week, with no contact? At that point, I was regretting sending her to summer camp. We were driving down the hill, and I called the camp office – wanting to make sure she could call us if she needed to. They advised me that if all else fail on their part; they would let her use the office phone.

OK, so now what?

Freedom right? This week we aren't parents! Yeah right. Not a single day went by that we didn't think of her, wonder if she was having fun. Worrying about her, did she make friends?
By Wednesday, I lost track of what day of the week it was. I'm driving home from work and can't remember if today is Wednesday or Thursday. (If it was Thursday I'd be picking her up the next day). I got home, checked the mail. No letter. Checked the voicemail…no message.
On Friday the excitement was running through my veins. Yea!! She's coming home today!!! I leave work at 3 to drive to Goshen. I take a couple of wrong turns; get stuck in traffic on I 90. But, finally make it! (3 ½ hours later!!)

As I drive down the very long and bumpy dirt road that's bringing me into the middle of a forest, my stomach tightens. The excitement and fear and worry are all combining together in the pit of my stomach. I see the sign "Camp Howe" and pull along into the camp area – seeing all sorts of people putting luggage in their cars and kids hugging their mom's and dads. Amazingly, I see a girl who has her long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. It's her!!

I pull up beside her, roll down my window and hear "Mommy!!" We stare at each other for a few moments, tears welling up in both our eyes. I look in the rear-view mirror to clean them up, and notice a long line of cars behind me. The reunion has to wait. I tell her I'm going to park the car and will come back. I get to the parking lot as quickly as I can (without hitting any campers) and run back to her cabin.

I peek in. She sees me. She comes running out, gives me this look of despair and hugs me. Tears are falling like a waterfall. I think to myself. "Oh no, she had a horrible time! I'm the worst mom in the world!" So I ask her, "Didn't you have fun?" She says, "Mommy, I had the best time ever! I just missed you so much!!" and we continued to hug and cry for a good 10 minutes.

After a while, she looks up at me and says "Mommy, thank you for living your dreams through me."

What more can I say.

Sometimes, it's not so bad to re-live your life through your children.

The camp's staff was amazing. They have left a great impression not just on my daughter, but me as well. She wants to go back next year, for two weeks this time.

http://camphowe.com/

Our paths crossed once......

You know, one lesson I want to teach my daughter is when there is a disagreement, be the bigger person. People do and say things, out of anger - remorse - regret - (choose an adjective) and usually regret it afterwards. The best thing to do, is to walk away. People come into our lives for a specific reason. Regardless of the outcome, they were put in your path to teach you a lesson. About yourself, about life. I appreciate everyone who has crossed my path. I regret nothing. Unfortunately, just as quickly as people come into your life, they disappear. Cherish the good times that were shared, let go of the bad. Remember the good qualities that you shared with the person and move on. There is no point in dwelling on the bad. To those of you who have moved on, I want to thank you for giving me the gift of your friendship, and hope that your path in life brings you happiness in the end.

The "One"

Boy it's been hot out there. Makes you happy to be able to go to work!! (Assuming your work has AC that is!!) But really, enough about the weather.....

Is there such a thing as a "perfect match? Many of us, men and women, spend our adult lives looking for that "something" that "spark" to let them know that "this is the one". Is there such a thing? I believe there are many "the ones" out there for everyone. I believe that "spark" many are looking for, is just a signal that you are attracted to the other person. Not a "sign" that they may be "the one." Think about it, how many times you have encountered someone who sent the shocks up your arm when they grabbed your hand or gave you goose bumps if you touched ever so gently. I'm sure it's been more than once or twice. So if "the one" is the person you encounter that gives you this "spark", think of how many "the ones" are out there...quite a few.

Now, what is the one referring to? The one you will marry? The one who will make your dreams come true? The one that will give you the children you want? Its different for every person.

How do you know then? You don't! I think its easier to figure out what you don't want in a partner than what you do want. Its trial and error. Learn from past experiences. Look for the qualities that your previous partners were lacking that you felt may have made your relationship better. Stop following rules. Don't get stuck in tunnel vision. Open your mind and heart to differences. Put yourself out there. Realize that you may get hurt, but grow from that. When you find someone who you can look at and say "I can see myself growing old with this person", then you know. You know you have found your perfect match. The one.